Strangely, everything in my life is really good. I’ve often thought about this blog, but then never really had the right idea for a blog post – other than; things are good. But, they are. I’m following the path that’s good for me and, apart from occasionally having to deal with heathcare professionals, it’s ok. It really is!

I can’t explain the feeling of really finding myself. I really have. Before I started HRT I was worried in case it really wasn’t what I wanted; but it so is. It’s now become a normal part of my life and gradual changes are happening. Work is good, family is good, friends; good. It’s all…good. Not much more that I could ask for really.

While it’s true that I have a lot more ahead of me, I now know it’s the right place for me. The feelings of being slightly in limbo are still there – maybe because I am, to a degree, but it’s the right kind of limbo rather than not knowing where I’m going.

I’m me, and very proud of it!

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Well, nobody said it would be easy. Certainly it’s not. But, given time and the right environment things can start to become a lot more ‘normal’ or easy to deal with. Guess it’s also a confidence thing too, where before I’d feel nervous or shy in public, I now feel like I have just as much right to be anywhere as anybody else. While someone may have made me feel uncomfortable staring at me or whispering about me; now I don’t really mind. It is just getting used to things.

Also one thing I’ve found myself not worrying about so much is if people think I’m a woman or a man or whatever. I know who and what I am, and there is not a single thing that anybody on the face of the planet could say to change what I really am. Someone could say to me “you’re a man” but that wouldn’t make me a man. I’m a woman, and happy.

Things are going to get a little tough in the next few weeks while I move house and get settled into somewhere I can hopefully stay for a long time. Having said that, I also have a holiday coming up; 10 days with queer people which should be another of those life-affirming experiences. Those things that makes me think “I *am* worth it and I have dignity.” Since Pride, I’ve met a huge amount of new people and have been doing a lot of new things, like going to tango class, joining a band, going to events at queer places. It’s really wonderful and I really think I’m carving out a little me-shaped space in London.

Not to say that life will be easy, but it’s definitely good. Each day it gets better and better too!


Well, after a few days of what felt like hell; I’m out the other side and feeling positive again. Ok, so the same things still happen; but I’m now able to deal with them again. Thing is – the situation is still the same; I’m just strong again. Weird, but true.

Tomorrow is London Pride, and I’m going to walk in that and then go have some drinks with friends. I’m going to be in London for a day at least, and not worry about what people think about me. Tomorrow is *my* day to be myself and shun all of the hate and ignorance I face every other day of the year. Hopefully people will be positive and supportive of each other, but even in marginalised groups; there are still people that don’t ‘get it’ and are rude to others.


Strange that I turn to my blog when things are really dark. Things are just that dark. I feel so unbearably lost and can’t find anywhere to turn. ‘Talking it through’ is always the suggestion, but in fact I can’t even bear to say anything at the moment. I’ve been at work for the last two days and said about 4 words in that entire time. I can’t stand the thought of Twitter, I’m angry at absolutely everybody and think this is the only vent I might have.

Ultimately, I’ve just had enough.

it took one guy in the supermarket to look at me a few too many times while muttering something angrily to his girlfriend while she sniggered, one guy staring at me aggressively and a girl reaching past me as if I wasn’t there and singing to mean that I had a full-on complete panic attack in the supermarket. I’ve never even had a panic attack anywhere, but did in the supermarket! I felt like I was going to be sick, wanted to drop my basket and run, or just drop down dead.

Just don’t know what to do. I’m just totally sick of not having people to hang out with, and I’m sick to fucking death of being laughed at, sniggered at, pointed at, abused, and generally thought of as a worthless human being. Really have no idea where I’ll go after this point, but when I got back home I collapsed on the floor and sobbed my heart out. I now feel so destructive, angry and hurt. Angry at everyone, hurt by everyone and ashamed of myself. I hate that other people can live their lives and just get on with things, but I have all this shit to deal with. I hate it! The world is full of filth and bile and I’m slapped with it every day. I used to think people are inherently nice, but some people just keep on trying to prove me wrong.

It’s not even the people actually saying things to me. They would be ok to deal with. In fact, I’d rather be physically assaulted. Really. I’d rather someone slapped or punched me. Pushed me or kicked me. I’ve just had enough of the stupid little things that go on constantly. All of the sniggers and the looks. The audible “urgh” comments and all of it.

Moreso I have totally sickened myself by talking about these things. I don’t want to fucking talk about them. I don’t want people to have to understand. I don’t want these fucking things to happen to me anymore.

So, instead, I’m by myself, I’m not talking anymore and the world can go fuck itself.


Lost soul

24Jun10

Sometimes things are just too hard. At the moment I’m really struggling to hold on. The most upsetting part of it all is that the stuff that really gets me down is the stuff I get from other people. I can deal with my own stuff, and work hard to keep myself upbeat and positive. I can deal with the bitter pain I feel and have always felt at the ‘mistake’ that was make with me. The fact that I wasn’t born with the outer shell to match my inner self.

Unfortunately, not only do I have to accept and deal with this pain, I also have to deal with the fact that I was born with a body that I don’t want. One that isn’t mine. Not only that, but I have the same amount of female hormones in my body that a teenage girl has. I have the same fears and insecurities as a teenage girl, but also the horror of having this body that isn’t mine.

Not only that, but rather than just having this stuff to deal with, I also have people’s hatred and ignorance to deal with. People, random strangers, constantly remind me of the worst part of myself. The parts that I hate, that provide so much pain and hurt to me, are pointed out and laughed at by strangers in public. People that think it’s ok to dehumanise me and make me feel even worse about the things that I already feel suicidally bad about, and have done so forever.

Last week I was assaulted by three men on my walk home. Not battered, but assaulted nevertheless, and abused with hate speech, calling me a “fucking tranny” and “a bloke” and “you have a cock” etc. I’ve still not got over this and feel very scared and alone at the moment. I couldn’t go on a work ‘outing’ to a pub to watch the football (not that I want to watch football *at all*) because I was simply too scared and threatened to be in that environment with a lot of very aggressive men whom I experience abusing me regularly. I’m definitely not painting every man with the same brush – in the slightest – but I felt too threatened to go with my colleagues.

I feel so isolated, alone and scared at the moment. I’m desperately trying to find people to talk to or even spend time with, but then I keep spending so much time alone.

I spent last night desperately trying to push dark thoughts from my mind, but in they came anyway. I don’t have anywhere to go, and feel like I’ve reached the end of a pier and can’t walk any further. Where do you go when you’re already in London?

Mostly I’m angry. So angry that these people won’t just leave me alone. Just ignore me, pretend I don’t exist. That’s what I try to do.


The tug-of-war

25May10

Looks like I am finding life really hard at the moment. See, the problem isn’t some big things that come along and knock me onto my ass. Big things you can fight against, a constant stream of tiny things is much, much harder – think ‘death by a thousand cuts’. Now, I don’t really think I stand out that much, and I don’t look that bad really, yet people sometimes obviously notice something about me which makes them stare to ‘work me out’. Occasionally people laugh at me, or say something nasty. These people probably think they’re the only ones to stare, given that they probably think they’re the centre of the universe anyway. But, when I walk down the street and they’re the 15th person to stare at me, it starts getting a bit tiresome.

Recently I’ve not been able to get a memory out of my head, and it’s something I’d not thought about for a really long time. When I was about ten we visited some friends in Wales that had a boating holiday company. It was a really nice place and we played around the canal and their little dock etc. One day someone suggested a tug-of-war; so the kids split into two teams. The teams were on each side of the canal and we were supposed to tie the rope to ourselves and pull from each side. I was the only person to tie myself to the rope and quite soon my entire team gave up and let go of the rope. Of course, I ended up in the canal. My dad found this hilarious and I remember climbing out of the canal, soaking wet, and everyone laughing at me. That was when I first realised that we are actually on our own in life.

Not sure why this memory is haunting me at the moment, but it is.

Of course, I do have some amazing friends now, and I feel really lucky to say I know them and love them. But, in life, we arrive alone and we leave alone, and need to learn how to stand up for ourselves. Guess it’s this feeling of isolation that I’m feeling at the moment was the same as that moment when I was pulled into the canal. I have committed to something, but I don’t have a choice. I’m tying myself to the rope and waiting to fall into the canal again.

But I’m doing the right thing – I knew it then, and I know it now.


Guess when I talk about loneliness, it’s not about having nobody around, it’s more isolation; which I’m feeling quite a lot of at the moment. Things are really good, you know, my life’s going where it should be and for the first time I actually *know* who i am! Seeing myself in the mirror last night, I realised I actually *am* looking at myself – or at least more myself than I ever have done.

I also saw the sadness in my eyes. It was just yesterday that I felt sad, and today I have a lingering feeling of exhaustion. It’s just so hard! Even though it’s a great thing that I can live my life, it’s just so, so hard! Even though I am on my guard about things, I do relax sometimes, and then that’s when something stupid happens. Sometimes I just wish I could have an invisibility cloak and just go about my business. Other times I look at everyone in the world and can’t stand them. At least the ones that make my life that bit more hassle or that bit more unpleasant. How dare they make my life unpleasant?? Of course, this is wasted energy. There’s no real point in worrying about things, and I really should just forget about it all. Although I really really don’t know how the average person on the street would cope, given my experiences. Would they do better or worse than me?

So, I get to live my life closer to the way it should be. But I get to deal with such a massive amount of prejudice that I can sometimes scarcely comprehend it. It comes from absolutely everywhere! At the moment I feel exhausted, and could just disappear forever. Tomorrow I may feel a little better, although I’m just living in this moment right here.

Guess I’m just tired….so, so tired…