Caring transphobia

19Apr10

In my experience, I often find myself explaining to people why something is inappropriate, incorrect, slightly (or even occasionally very) rude, wrong, prejudiced, etc. Mostly the things I have to explain to people are things that they ‘never thought about’ but then also often follow up with ‘I don’t know much about trans issues’. Often people will use a word or phrase in the wrong way, and then can even be slightly offended – or indeed very offended in some cases – that they have been picked up on something. But not many things I’ve ever picked anyone up about requires any secret knowledge of the ‘mysteries of the trans person’. Most of them are basic ‘if I say this to someone, will they be offended’ type of things. Like asking strangers about their genitalia or suggesting that they should be ‘sure’ ‘if they go the whole way’. For the record; trans people are more sure of who they really are than every cis person I’ve ever met – after all they’ve had to think about it, and have to defend themselves a huge amount!

Anyway, I digress. The title of this post is ‘caring transphobia’. Sounds like an oxymoron, although it’s relatively prevalent. Mostly it’s families and friends that exhibit this, but it can be anyone. I’ll give you an example…

Last night I was talking to my mum. She told me that my aunty had sent her an interesting article [sic] “about a man who’d worn girls’ dresses when he was young, but now decided that he didn’t want to be a woman and is happy being androgynous’. I asked my mum if that was what she was hoping for me – she said something to the effect of ‘well, no…”. What she was saying was that I don’t have to ‘go all the way’ if I don’t want to be. Firstly, I know this. I am absolutely, 100%, totally, completely understanding that I don’t have to transition if I don’t want to, but let’s get this straight; my mum doesn’t want me to be trans. She even doesn’t want me to be a woman. She wants me to be happy, but she wants me to be happy doing what she wants me to do. I suspect most parents are the same. Last time I saw my aunty she told me “you can go back though, you know”. Meaning that if I ever decide to ‘not want to be a woman anymore’ then I can ‘go back to being a man again’. So she’s sending my mum articles about someone who thinks they’re trans, but then realises they’re actually not and just ‘get on with their lives’. Happy ever after, the end…

My brother came out as gay to my mum a long while ago, and she accepted that. Ok, so I suspect she’d rather he wasn’t gay so he’d have grandchildren, but still she respects that. Imagine how he’d feel if she talked about an article about a man; “that thought he was gay but then realised he weren’t and found a nice lady to settle down with and lived happily ever after…”. Yes, it’s offensive. Similarly, the hours that I’ve talked to my brother and explained things while he rambled on about what he thinks and that I should ‘prove’ that I am trans etc etc. When my brother told me he was gay, I accepted that with no issues at all and never once thought to try to ‘prove him wrong’ or make him ‘defend himself’ etc…and this is only his sexuality, I’m talking – and fighting for – my entire life and identity!

My family does care about me, but I’ve had to defend myself, explain myself, put up with mistakes and mis-gendering, be constantly called by my old name and generally put up with bigotry and ignorance from them. This is my family, who loves me! Transphobia is still everywhere, and like most things; it can begin at home.

Filed under: Blogging   |  1 Comment