Feeling like the frog and the princess…

15Jun09

I know I’ve not been updating this blog of late, but it’s not because I’ve not had anything to say – it’s simply because I’ve been lazy. I do think of things to write, but then forget to actually write them.

It’s been a really lovely weekend, but I am finding things hard at the moment. Guess it’s because just ‘doing my thing’ carries with it a certain amount of stress. I’m just not used to being stared at I guess. I’ve spent most of my life, slipping past people without them noticing. Now, however, I seem to attract more stares from people and no matter how hard I try to ignore it – it does still affect me. I guess if I had one wish, it’d be to be invisible to people, unless I wanted to be seen – maybe that could be my super-power (^ ^)

Most people do walk past without staring, but there is a remarkably high amount of people that do stare. It does make me feel a bit like a freak, especially people like a woman getting into her car on Saturday night that just stood, open mouthed, and watched me go past. This morning I just felt like everyone was staring at me too. It’s equal measures paranoia and lack of self-confidence, but definitely something that is changing – for the better. The ‘better’ I look, and the more used to it I become; the easier it is. It’s also important to note that people staring doesn’t equate to them thinking bad things, but I’ve always hated being the centre of attention. Well, that’s another oxymoron about me; I like being involved with things, but feel self-concious when everyone is focused on me. Like at a birthday party or something, which I’ve always largely hated and never really had birthday parties. One of the things about mornings though, and especially Monday mornings, is that you have that natural ‘meh’ feeling, and so things seem worse than they are.

It struck me, the other day, that I’m truly, honestly not just going this path for any other reason than I must. It’s really very hard actually, and very hard for someone that notices even tiny little behavioral traits in people. I did think that if I was totally oblivious to these things; then it’d be easier – but that’s not me.

I also sometimes feel guilty that the people around me have to deal with this, by proxy, and wish that they didn’t have to. I just hope that the love and friendship I can give, will make up for it somehow. So yeah, I’m having really quite a hard time of things lately, but it’s all ok. While I’d not wish this on anyone, I still count myself very lucky to be able to be myself – even if it’s a bit more each day. Suppose every girl wants to be a princess, but I can’t help feeling like the frog occasionally…

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