Weird

30Oct09

It’s weird that there have been so many positive things recently, that I decide to blog about them and have one of the most awful days ever. It’s not really that anything bad happened, but I just feel so desperately and bitterly sad and lonely right now. Not really sure where it’s coming from, but I’ve been feeling up and down all week. This is one of those hard times that I will get past, but I just feel like today is a really low day. Maybe I’m being melodramatic, but I just feel like I don’t want to talk to anyone, and just want to disappear. I have no idea what to do with myself, and nothing seems to be cheering me up at all.

Tonight I’m going to the candlelight vigil at Trafalgar Square against hate-crimes, which is really important. Just wish I could hide somewhere instead. Saying that though, I don’t want to go home, don’t want to be out, don’t want to listen to music, don’t want to listen to silence…I’m just confused and feel sad.

Something I have to deal with all the time is the constant reminders of who and what I am. I can’t just forget things, and I’ve been reminded of that today. I’m aware of something that other people might not think about, but only because most of my life is taken up compromising because of others’ opinions. That’s not their fault that they don’t necessarily think about things. Most people don’t, and I’m fairly sure I’d be in the same boat had I been born cissexual. This isn’t something that will last forever, and gets much easier, but at the moment – I’m reminded of everything, all of the time.

I just need to be held at the moment, and I need to cry. In fact I just need someone and need to be wanted at the moment. Maybe being around people tonight will be good though.

And one thing’s for absolute definite….things *do* get better and I *will* be fine.

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