Maybe I am finally broken…
Strange that I turn to my blog when things are really dark. Things are just that dark. I feel so unbearably lost and can’t find anywhere to turn. ‘Talking it through’ is always the suggestion, but in fact I can’t even bear to say anything at the moment. I’ve been at work for the last two days and said about 4 words in that entire time. I can’t stand the thought of Twitter, I’m angry at absolutely everybody and think this is the only vent I might have.
Ultimately, I’ve just had enough.
it took one guy in the supermarket to look at me a few too many times while muttering something angrily to his girlfriend while she sniggered, one guy staring at me aggressively and a girl reaching past me as if I wasn’t there and singing to mean that I had a full-on complete panic attack in the supermarket. I’ve never even had a panic attack anywhere, but did in the supermarket! I felt like I was going to be sick, wanted to drop my basket and run, or just drop down dead.
Just don’t know what to do. I’m just totally sick of not having people to hang out with, and I’m sick to fucking death of being laughed at, sniggered at, pointed at, abused, and generally thought of as a worthless human being. Really have no idea where I’ll go after this point, but when I got back home I collapsed on the floor and sobbed my heart out. I now feel so destructive, angry and hurt. Angry at everyone, hurt by everyone and ashamed of myself. I hate that other people can live their lives and just get on with things, but I have all this shit to deal with. I hate it! The world is full of filth and bile and I’m slapped with it every day. I used to think people are inherently nice, but some people just keep on trying to prove me wrong.
It’s not even the people actually saying things to me. They would be ok to deal with. In fact, I’d rather be physically assaulted. Really. I’d rather someone slapped or punched me. Pushed me or kicked me. I’ve just had enough of the stupid little things that go on constantly. All of the sniggers and the looks. The audible “urgh” comments and all of it.
Moreso I have totally sickened myself by talking about these things. I don’t want to fucking talk about them. I don’t want people to have to understand. I don’t want these fucking things to happen to me anymore.
So, instead, I’m by myself, I’m not talking anymore and the world can go fuck itself.
Filed under: Blogging | 2 Comments
I just found your blog today, and I don’t want to just jump in and make assumptions about my ability to say meaningful things to a complete stranger. But I didn’t want to just read without saying anything.
Transgendered people are not worthless. You can find people who support your identity instead of requiring you to prove it. It sucks to be misgendered, abused and silenced day after day after fucking day, I know what it feels like: every day is a bad day and you are at the mercy of strangers’ responses to your identity. I feel like I can never relax around anyone.
Please don’t stop talking and fighting. You can stop explaining things to stupid people, because its exhausting and fruitless, but every transgendered person needs to see and hear other transgendered people living their lives.
Thanks for your kind comment, although I read it a few days before I actually went online to ‘approve’ it, so it arrived when I was feeling pretty bad – thank you.
Yes, trans people aren’t worthless, but I do feel hurt by their treatment by the public at large. It’s amazing that people will know it’s wrong to laugh at someone who uses a wheelchair, or is short, or tall, or from a different country; but they find it acceptable to laugh at someone for their gender. Anyway, I do think it is changing; it’s just quite a fight most of the time.
Thank you! xx