Lost soul

24Jun10

Sometimes things are just too hard. At the moment I’m really struggling to hold on. The most upsetting part of it all is that the stuff that really gets me down is the stuff I get from other people. I can deal with my own stuff, and work hard to keep myself upbeat and positive. I can deal with the bitter pain I feel and have always felt at the ‘mistake’ that was make with me. The fact that I wasn’t born with the outer shell to match my inner self.

Unfortunately, not only do I have to accept and deal with this pain, I also have to deal with the fact that I was born with a body that I don’t want. One that isn’t mine. Not only that, but I have the same amount of female hormones in my body that a teenage girl has. I have the same fears and insecurities as a teenage girl, but also the horror of having this body that isn’t mine.

Not only that, but rather than just having this stuff to deal with, I also have people’s hatred and ignorance to deal with. People, random strangers, constantly remind me of the worst part of myself. The parts that I hate, that provide so much pain and hurt to me, are pointed out and laughed at by strangers in public. People that think it’s ok to dehumanise me and make me feel even worse about the things that I already feel suicidally bad about, and have done so forever.

Last week I was assaulted by three men on my walk home. Not battered, but assaulted nevertheless, and abused with hate speech, calling me a “fucking tranny” and “a bloke” and “you have a cock” etc. I’ve still not got over this and feel very scared and alone at the moment. I couldn’t go on a work ‘outing’ to a pub to watch the football (not that I want to watch football *at all*) because I was simply too scared and threatened to be in that environment with a lot of very aggressive men whom I experience abusing me regularly. I’m definitely not painting every man with the same brush – in the slightest – but I felt too threatened to go with my colleagues.

I feel so isolated, alone and scared at the moment. I’m desperately trying to find people to talk to or even spend time with, but then I keep spending so much time alone.

I spent last night desperately trying to push dark thoughts from my mind, but in they came anyway. I don’t have anywhere to go, and feel like I’ve reached the end of a pier and can’t walk any further. Where do you go when you’re already in London?

Mostly I’m angry. So angry that these people won’t just leave me alone. Just ignore me, pretend I don’t exist. That’s what I try to do.

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