The tug-of-war

25May10

Looks like I am finding life really hard at the moment. See, the problem isn’t some big things that come along and knock me onto my ass. Big things you can fight against, a constant stream of tiny things is much, much harder – think ‘death by a thousand cuts’. Now, I don’t really think I stand out that much, and I don’t look that bad really, yet people sometimes obviously notice something about me which makes them stare to ‘work me out’. Occasionally people laugh at me, or say something nasty. These people probably think they’re the only ones to stare, given that they probably think they’re the centre of the universe anyway. But, when I walk down the street and they’re the 15th person to stare at me, it starts getting a bit tiresome.

Recently I’ve not been able to get a memory out of my head, and it’s something I’d not thought about for a really long time. When I was about ten we visited some friends in Wales that had a boating holiday company. It was a really nice place and we played around the canal and their little dock etc. One day someone suggested a tug-of-war; so the kids split into two teams. The teams were on each side of the canal and we were supposed to tie the rope to ourselves and pull from each side. I was the only person to tie myself to the rope and quite soon my entire team gave up and let go of the rope. Of course, I ended up in the canal. My dad found this hilarious and I remember climbing out of the canal, soaking wet, and everyone laughing at me. That was when I first realised that we are actually on our own in life.

Not sure why this memory is haunting me at the moment, but it is.

Of course, I do have some amazing friends now, and I feel really lucky to say I know them and love them. But, in life, we arrive alone and we leave alone, and need to learn how to stand up for ourselves. Guess it’s this feeling of isolation that I’m feeling at the moment was the same as that moment when I was pulled into the canal. I have committed to something, but I don’t have a choice. I’m tying myself to the rope and waiting to fall into the canal again.

But I’m doing the right thing – I knew it then, and I know it now.

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