Attention January 31, 2010

This weekend I thought I was being clever. I really wanted to meet up with someone, so I arranged to see three people today, then even if two dropped out, I’d still have someone to go and see.It transpired that I spent the day alone anyway, while one of the people I was going to meet, went shopping anyway. But it’s always preferable to spending time with partners than friends, I guess.

I’m trying really hard, although I’m not doing very well. Last week I crashed so far down that I felt ill, and now I feel that same deep sickness. It’s in the pit of my stomach and almost makes me cry out. Really, I have no idea what’s wrong with me. Also, this weekend and before it, I’ve spent a load of time just sending texts or emails to people to ask if they’re around and want to do something. Although to no avail. I just need someone to give me some attention really, I suppose. Things have been getting worse and worse though, and I’m ending up spending most of my time in my room, by myself.

Although I have had loads of things to do this weekend too, but done pretty much none of them. I make plans to fill my time, but then it just seems pathetic to fill my time up with little things. I really want to scream out and shake off this feeling I have, or at least make it go away. All I’ve done is sit in front of a computer. Of course, I’m just using this blog as some kind of outlet, but I’m even just sickening myself. I’ve had enough, totally. If I hear myself whinge about being lonely one more time, I’ll scream.  I really don’t know what’s wrong with me, so I don’t know how to fit it. All I know is that I’m in a very dark place at the moment.

It’s not all about the short skirt January 29, 2010

Maybe some 8 or 9 years ago I bought a denim mini skirt. I used to wear it when I went out in Manchester. It’s nothing particularly special, and I wear it around the house usually. It’s not massively short, but quite.

Today though, I wore that skirt at work. It might not seem like a huge thing, but it really is very important on this strange journey of mine. The skirt was bought at a time where I wasn’t able to express who I really was. Now, I’m so able to express my true self that I’m able to wear it at my workplace! Today was a regular day; work, meetings and regular kind of stuff.

It’s fair to say that it’s a hard path, but one that makes me very proud to be able to manage. Even times when things are so hard I can barely handle them, I’m learning how to work through things and come out of the other side, smiling.

Maybe some 8 or 9 years ago I bought a denim mini skirt. I used to wear it when I went out in Manchester. It’s nothing particularly special, and I wear it around the house usually. It’s not massively short, but quite.
Today though, I wore that skirt at work. It might not seem like a huge thing, but it really is very important on this strange journey of mine. The skirt was bought at a time where I wasn’t able to express who I really was. Now, I’m so able to express my true self that I’m able to wear it at my workplace! Today was a regular day; work, meetings and regular kind of stuff. Of course, it’s not all about the short skirt, it’s that I’m able to wear one if I choose!

It’s fair to say that it’s a hard path, but one that makes me very proud to be able to manage. Even times when things are so hard I can barely handle them, I’m learning how to work through things and come out of the other side, smiling.

Thinking… January 18, 2010

Again, there’s been a gap between updates, but I’m not going to apologise. There’s really nothing worse than reading someone’s blog and seeing it full of “I really should update this more often” (^ ^)

Anyway, things are going well, doctors seem to finally be getting themselves together, and life’s getting more ’stable’. Actually the biggest change is me feeling more relaxed with things, and I’m surprised at how I am dealing with things. Being ‘out in the world’ – which a while ago, filled me with fear – is now just ‘normal’. It’s true that sometimes it’s hard to get myself out of the house, but that’s ok. I’ve probably always been like that anyway!

One thing I’ve noticed though, in dealing with banks, people on the street and everyone really, is that some people are fine with things, and some people make the most awful, stupid and unthinking comments. The biggest theme of these though is that these people, generally to a person, just haven’t ever thought about what they’re saying, or that people like me are actually in the world. So this really must be a good thing, that people – just given the chance to think about things – are able to handle things and respond appropriately. This, I think, is a really positive thing!

Ok, so there will always be people that respond to you in a bad way, but they’ll *always* be in the world anyway, despite who or what you are.

So, things are going ok. I’m more ‘me’ than ever before. I’m more relaxed than ever before, and just hope to carry on being me!

It doesn’t mean I’m a spy… December 1, 2009

I’ve just been to change my name at the bank, and although they’re a big name ‘brand’, they’re still not much good. I was actually told today “well, this sort of thing doesn’t happen often”, her talking about me I suppose. But even if something doesn’t happen often, still doesn’t mean you have to be bad at it!

After explaining the situation to the lady in the bank, she looked over my official, legal Deed Poll document with my title and name on; my *legal* and *official* name and title, I hasten to add. After a quick perusal she tells me “you need to bring in your new passport with these details on before I can change them. I remind her that this is not required and that the Deed Poll document is a legal document. She then goes off to her ‘manager’ for one of the two lengthy trips she does during my visit. Coming back, she argues that you can’t just change details without ID. I remind her that my passport is nothing to do with my bank account, and indeed I can have a bank account without a passport and a passport without a bank account. I understand that you need to supply information to identify yourself /initially/ but my identity was already proved by her running through security with me.

The sticking point seems to have been the change from Mr to Ms. Now, legally, I can do this. What it doesn’t immediately mean is ‘Was-born-in-female-body’. It just means that my title is ‘Ms’ and /not/ ‘Mr’. I asked what would happen if I just changed my name to a male name, and she agreed they’d just change it; which I know to be the case already.

After going off to talk to this mysterious oracle in the back of the bank, she returned and reluctantly started to fill out the correct forms and photocopy my paperwork. I asked, politely, if she had had any diversity training and she was very quick to say yes, as if suggesting it was a stupid question. It’s not a stupid question though, it’s important.

The real reason that I had trouble in the bank today was because the staff weren’t knowledgeable about trans people. I had to argue just to change my details on the system, which I’d not have to do otherwise. This, is different treatment based on the type of person you see before you and is the thin end of discrimination, which is of course treating people differently based on an arbitrary characteristic or attribute of that person. It’s also passing the buck, and asking the passport office to think about if I’m allowed to be called Ms or not.

She also reminded me that I’ll not be able to change my gender on the official records until I have the right paperwork. Yes, thanks for that. That’s exactly what numerous people tell me too, and can you not see that I’d be aware of this more than you – and can you not also see that it’s a really very stupid and insensitive thing to say to someone?

My name and title are *legally* what I gave to the bank today, and they finally agreed to fill out the forms. HSBC; you’re not doing me a favour by ‘allowing’ me to change my details with you!

The myth of the bully and victim. December 1, 2009

We have a lot of pre-conceived ideas about a lot of things. Lots of these surround gender/sex including what masculinity and feminitity is. One thing I’ve been thinking about recently though is strength.

When we talk about strength, we generally think about muscles and aggression. A ’show of strength’ is taken to mean a show of force, or the violent potential of that force. When you think about someone who’s bullied, some may think of them being weak and the bully being strong. Often though we’ll comment about how a bully is cowardly, and this is entirely correct.

There is nothing stronger than being yourself. There is nothing more deserving of the word ’strength’ than someone who decides that they will just be whomever they are, despite the challenges. Conversely there is nobody more deserving of the word ‘coward’ that decides to bully someone that is weaker than themselves, or at least not overtly more aggressive than they are. But I’ve talked about this before. We shouldn’t vilify people for being bullies, as they really are just cowards and are scared.

If we all start to understand where this is all coming from, then we can decide to do something about it. We can decide to think about each other, and think about the care we can all give each other – people in our own circles and outside of them.

Hatred isn’t challenged by more hate, but it becomes nothing when faced with love.

Opinions November 28, 2009

A few things happened tonight. Firstly it was a nice family meal. I felt relaxed and actually, for one of the very first times ever, actually able to express myself in that situation. I often feel so trapped and pressured to fulfil a particular role when I’m with my family. They expect me to be male, yet I’m not. Tonight I felt feminine. I felt relaxed and loving.

I talked to my aunty too. She’s my mum’s best friend and as close as family could be. Of course she was the first person my mum talked to when I talked to my mum – and I’m so glad she has someone to talk to. It’s so important for all of us.

My aunty said that she could see ‘me’ when I walked in the room tonight. Bust mostly she asked if it was how I felt and if I could ‘go back’ if I wanted to. I understand why people ask me this. It’s because they can’t understand why I’d do it.

They can’t understand why I’d be the way I’d be and expect me one day to say “oh no, it’s been some terrible mistake…” I don’t judge them for this, I’ve had a lot longer to think about this all.

After the meal we walked back to the hotel and then I went for a drink with my brother. It started pleasantly enough, and my brother asking me questions and asking me to explain why some things are, as we usually do and have been doing actually for a few years now. This started off innocuous enough, but then slowly started to get more and more heated on his part when I answered some of his questions. Now, I’d never expect anyone who’s happy with their gender to explain why they are happy with it. If you take a moment and ask yourself why you are happy with the way you are – you’ll probably just come up with something like “because I am” and that’s a good enough answer. You don’t have to explain or justify who you are. I don’t mind though, and do go a long way to explain these things to people. It’s often not an easy thing to understand, and I do try to explain as best I can. One of the most stupid and ignorant things that someone can say though is “I just don’t understand why…”. Well, of course you don’t. You probably don’t really understand how other people feel when they sit in a forest and feel the rain on their skin. One person will feel annoyed they’re going to get wet, one will feel the coolness of the water and another will think about a loved one they’ve lost. The point is that we’re all different, and applying your rules or experiences to someone else isn’t going to work. Especially when we’re talking about these kind of things. For someone who’s cissexual to say “I don’t understand being transsexual” almost doesn’t require an answer. To then proselytise about your own opinions is sheer arrogance.

I sat and answered all of his points, until he started getting more and more vociferous. The point is, is that this is my life, this is not an academic exercise. There were a few comments that were made that were actually hugely hurtful, such as that I’ll always be an outsider with other girls or that I’ll always ‘be a man’. Things that have no basis in any argument at all. I took all of these things as questions and answered truthfully and honestly. After answering these points, the next opinion I was given was that I’m the way I am because I enjoy being an outsider and enjoy the hassle and ‘the attention’ that this brings…

This opinion was even too much for me to argue with, and I felt an anger rise in me that I’ve not felt for a long time. There are so many mornings that I wake up and just can’t face going outside, but make myself. I force myself to walk out of the door and out to do just regular things. Until you’ve been laughed at, in your face, as you walk down the street, for no other reason than just being yourself, you have no idea of how it feels. It’s not only incorrect, but so deeply ignorant and arrogant that I can’t even grasp it. I can’t tell you the strength it takes sometimes just to lift my head up some days and look away from the ground. Everyone enjoys a challenge and the feeling you get when you overcome something, but this is *not* that kind of thing. I’m still the person I’ve always been, and do enjoy challenges. To do some particular work, or learn something new, or do something I’m scared of, or talk to new people. What I *don’t* enjoy is that. That feeling of not wanting to be outside. In case someone makes a comment about me.

When was the last time you were asked to justify who you are? When was the last time that someone told you that their own opinion of you was right. When was the last time you had someone telling you they think you’re *not* who you *know* you are. Who you’ve come to know over years and years of thought and realisation.

I face discrimination, ridicule and general ignorance *every single day*. And no, I *do not* want any of it. I can assure you that if I could have a quiet, easy life; I would take it in a second. I would still continue to stretch my intellect and my ideas of the world, but I would *never* wish for a tiny proportion of the bad side of being trans.

If people could only experience, once, the feeling of being looked at with such derision or that what you think is just ludicrous and laughable, then – and only then – would I suggest they have the right to have these opinions. Otherwise I’d think it’s wise to just listen to people. The fact that they’re privileged enough to not even have to understand these things would suggest that having an opinion about them might be quite wrong.

Moments November 19, 2009

Some moments in life will stay with you for ever. Some moments are those quiet moments that make you feel good, some are exciting and often doing something important.

Some moments are those moments in which you expose yourself and become vulnerable. It’s those moments, like being born, that marks the beginning of something special. For me these moments have been the first time I’ve told someone who I really am. The first friend I told all those years ago, and the time I phoned my mum in the middle of the night when I was far too upset to be telling her important things really, but it all came out then. These moments are important and woven into the fabric of who we are, and who we become. These moments happen often, although we need to take a moment to feel them, and feel the importance of them.

Yesterday I completed the paperwork to change my name legally, and also change my title. I’ve been this person for my whole life, but being able to publicly express this is something, being honest, I never thought I’d be able to do. I never thought I’d be seen as female, and how I approach people or care about people would always be mis-construed. My title is now Ms. It doesn’t change who I am, it expresses who I am. I often say that I was born with a female soul, and that’s the best way I can describe it. It feels that I can finally show people my soul, and let myself be free in the world.

Life is scary, and most of us are just doing what we can to get by. Most of us are scared and lost, but feel that we can’t be those things. At least we feel we can’t tell anyone those things. We create techniques for dealing with these feelings; some people find the strength in themselves, some have children and find strength through that, some find a spiritual path, some turn to hatred and ignorance – all amounts to the same reason, that we’re small, scared and vulnerable.

I made a promise to myself to experience life, and not to waste it anymore.  This is what I will do.

A Spiritual Path November 16, 2009

I’ve always been a very spiritual person, feeling in-sync with the natural world around me and aware of what effect my actions have on others. Always trying to live an honorable life, and trying to help as much as I can. Balanced with this is the need to make sense of things in the world and make sense of the person I am.

Although I am a spiritual person, I’ve never had much time for organised religion, and to be frank; Christianity doesn’t work for me – although it’s really not surprising that a male-dominated, monotheistic religion where some people are considered wrong for being who they are wouldn’t suit me.  I do have a lot of respect for people of other faiths, and I definitely mean no disrespect. I do feel that we’re all able to have the faith we choose to have, and the ability to live our lives in ethical freedom. Although I’ve been spiritually aware for most of my life, I’ve never really had any direction. I’ve always loved the idea of the Pagan theology, but never really had the push to find out more.

Recently I’ve become more interested in finding my spiritual path, whatever that may be. I have friends who are Pagans, esoteric, Wiccans and other non-specific Pagans. So, I’ve been asking them for advice, and have started to read up about the various theologies. Although I don’t feel I need to jump in fully, I do want to find out more and see where I might fit in. It’s true that I need some spiritual guidance and protection, and the more I read about Paganism and Wicca, the more I feel that it’s good for me. They’re gentle, nature-based religions, and the tenets are that of doing good and being a good person, looking after living creatures, the earth and yourself. I also have to admit that the narratives used, the rituals and spells and the paraphernalia intrigue me too, but that’s just a small part of it.

The main thing I’ve found so far is the type of people that practice these theologies are varied, people are largely accepted in all of their forms, be they queer, trans, unsure, straight, married, polyamarous etc etc and are respected for the person they are. It’s no real surprise that trans-people are attracted to the Pagan theology as it has a place for them too. While some religions may be about power and control, Paganism seems to be about tolerance, care and balance. Probably one of the reasons, certainly for me, that some types of people are attracted to Paganism is because they’ve had to think a lot about where they fit in. They’ve had to think about things outside the norm and deal with a society that often shuns them. Sounds very melodramatic, but essentially, if you’re trans, then at some point in your life you’ve probably come to terms with that fact. You’ve also possibly realised that there is more than the male/female ‘opposites’. Ok, so male/female are maybe poles, but there is a lot of different shades in the middle and outside of these poles.

So, like everything I do nowadays, I’m not promising anything other than to learn and respect. I don’t know how far I’ll go with this, but I’m sure it’ll be as far as I want and need to go. Even in the short space of time I’ve been reading about these ideas, I do have a feeling of spiritual calm, and I do know that the feeling of being connected to something ancient and natural is a very comforting thing – especially today.

If you’re interested in the ideas of Paganism, sexuality, gender, sex etc, a great place to start (from a recommendation to me) is Raven Kaldera’s website.

The spirit November 12, 2009

One interesting thing about being trans is that you can become really very adept at reading people. Most people have really quite phenomenal skills (when you think about it) at reading faces, but even so, most things are missed. We’re good at reading faces because it’s a survival instinct. I’ve had this skill since I can remember, but all of my experiences add to these skills. Trans and ‘two-spirit’ people have often fulfilled spiritual roles in societies, and it’s not hard to see why. Being trans does give you the types of experiences that aren’t experienced by most people. Our society is still relatively aggressive toward trans people, so you start to learn how to read threats, but it’s also about reading people’s feelings toward you.

I’ve often joked that if one of my girlfriends wants to know what their boyfriend is really like, then just introduce him me. Guys that treat me with respect – regardless of their opinion of me – are the guys to stick with. Guys that are rude to trans-women, for example, steer *well* clear of them! I often get flashes of surprise, although often it’s other things; confusion, pleasant surprise, disgust and many other things. How a man treats me is often a direct representation of his thoughts about women in general. I’ve met some men that are very aggressive toward me and think me ‘disgusting’, although it’s more about them treating women as sexual objects, rather than people. So, they look at me and think “urgh, I’d not f*ck that”. But again, that’s about them, not about me. Most people are really cool with things, although they seem quite incapable of not letting their guard down for at least a split-second. In that very short time their true intentions or thoughts are evident. It’s only been relatively recently that I’ve noticed I see these things that others miss. But then, I do have a bit of a natural aptitude and also lots of experience every day. Each time I walk down the street I’m looking at people’s body language, probably just because I’m aware that people do react to me in a different way to others.

All of this would almost seem to suggest that I have 6 heads, am bright green and light up at night – but I’m not that remarkable really. Because I’m not that remarkable, people don’t get a huge surprise, but it does take a split second for things to sink in. It’s in that moment that people leak their true feelings. Often it’s laughter, but that’s only because those people have no experiences of someone like me, and this information is being processed somehow. The laughter comes from an unfamiliar situation, much like a joke that sets up a situation and the punchline is the unexpected opposite. Just like at school when children giggle during sex education lessons. It’s not because any of the material is funny, just because it’s unfamiliar and people are embarrassed – mostly because they don’t know it. It makes us laugh because we’re not expecting it – it’s the same with lots of laughs at me. Still, makes it hard to take sometimes – nobody likes being laughed at – but it goes some way to being able to deal with it.

I mentioned before the spiritual roles of trans people in many cultures, and I’ve always felt a spiritual connection to something. Maybe as a way of understanding the world, I’m exploring more my spiritual feelings and it’s a good thing. After all, you’ve got to work with what you have, right?

It might sound negative, but it is positive… November 12, 2009

One of the problems with being trans is that you can become paranoid. But that’s really just in response to lots of situations that really do happen. They’re the most annoying kind of things, and things that if you told someone about; they’d just think ‘oh, that’s not so much of an issue – don’t worry about it’. Today I have sparkly earrings on, an obviously feminine hairstyle and coat, skinny jeans and knee boots. I’m carrying my handbag over my shoulder. While I may not look like Kate Moss, it’s obvious what I am. So, when people call you sir, it’s really quite unpleasant. Normally when this happens, I shrug it off, but today was one of those typical examples where it goes further than someone just making a mistake. I was in the coffeeshop queue behind two guys, both were served politely by the lady, and their orders were taken. No honorifics, no titles. I was served and she said “thank you sir”. The person behind me was a tall gentleman in a nice suit, deep voice and very masculine-looking. To him she said “thank you”. No mentions of ’sir’ at all. Now call me paranoid if you wish, but let’s think about this for a second. People may just fall into patterns of behaviour and call people sir or madam when they’re working. But why select the least male person in the queue to call sir?

To be honest, it’s not that big a deal in the grand scheme of things, but it makes my heart hurt every time I hear it. Each time someone deliberately or unintentionally mis-genders me, it physically hurts me. The only equivalent I could think of would be for people in a queue to be referred to as “thank you, ugly”, “thank you, fatty” or “thank you, skinny”. Anybody would find that really upsetting, and I’m just like that. I don’t mean that people are saying it intentionally. Just that it does hurt as it reminds me of all that I am and all that I’m not.

Anyway, I wanted to make a point about this blog. It seems that lots of the posts here are down or depressing, and for that I’m sorry. The point of this blog though isn’t to show what a fabulous process all of this is, it’s just to tell my story. Unfortunately pretty much every day I have to deal with some issues – generally dealing with people. I often have to deal with the worst in people, and have to deal with horrible things being said to me in the street, and this blog is my way of letting things go. There are a lot of people that don’t feel the same level of care that other people are afforded, and think they can treat me poorly just because I’m a ‘freak’, a ‘pervert’ or a ‘weirdo’. This isn’t restricted to people like me though. There are a huge amount of many different people that don’t get the same treatment that people generally would be given. I feel guilty when I talk to friends about things that have happened to me. I feel it turns me into a whinger and a victim, and I hate bringing this crap into the worlds of lovely people; which my friends are. What I’d like to say to them, if any are reading this, is that sometimes I just need to rant. I’m a talker and need to let things go in this way. I don’t need them to fix anything…just to know they care about me is enough.

This makes me think of something that I am guilty of: needing sympathy. I was thinking about this the other day and wondering why I need people to have sympathy for me. Do I like this sympathy? Does it make me feel good? Well, yes it does, very much – but I’m a happy person and really would rather not have to feel I need some sympathy. I guess I just want to feel I fit into society and feeling that people care about me makes me feel like I fit in somewhere.

On a happier note though (although none of this is ‘unhappy’, just thoughts) I do remember spending most of my young life *wishing* so hard that someone would ‘understand’ me. To be able to meet me and ’see the real me’. It’s weird that I’ve always thought this way, although when I was young, never really understood why. This used to bother me so much, and people thought it was maybe ‘teenage angst’ or a young person’s identity being developed. My mum said something along the lines of ‘well, nobody knows anyone really’. I understood what she was saying, but she didn’t really have the full information. I’ve realised that in the last few years I’ve not felt this way. I never think now ‘I wish someone could see the *real* me’. Not necessarily because they can or always do, but because I’m doing everything I can to help them to. The difference is that I’m emancipated – I’m able to tell people; “no, that’s not me, this is me”. That’s an amazing thing to happen!

So, letting these things go in the form of a blog is extremely cathartic. I’m also sorry that when I’m down, it affects people. I do all I can to not let it affect people, but I really can’t deal with all of this stuff myself. I do know that I’m on the right track, however. The important thing that I’ve understood lately is that my current life is amazingly better than my past life. It’s also important to say that, in lots of ways, it’s immeasurably harder to deal with than average. This is the reason I need to let off steam, rant, cry, talk to friends, become insolent, whichever. I just need to constantly let things go – and that’s a positive thing. So, if I’m moody or angry or crying or upset or any of the above; I don’t need anyone to fix it, I just need to feel that way for a while. Then, when the sun rises, I feel clear and fresh again.