Moments November 19, 2009

Some moments in life will stay with you for ever. Some moments are those quiet moments that make you feel good, some are exciting and often doing something important.

Some moments are those moments in which you expose yourself and become vulnerable. It’s those moments, like being born, that marks the beginning of something special. For me these moments have been the first time I’ve told someone who I really am. The first friend I told all those years ago, and the time I phoned my mum in the middle of the night when I was far too upset to be telling her important things really, but it all came out then. These moments are important and woven into the fabric of who we are, and who we become. These moments happen often, although we need to take a moment to feel them, and feel the importance of them.

Yesterday I completed the paperwork to change my name legally, and also change my title. I’ve been this person for my whole life, but being able to publicly express this is something, being honest, I never thought I’d be able to do. I never thought I’d be seen as female, and how I approach people or care about people would always be mis-construed. My title is now Ms. It doesn’t change who I am, it expresses who I am. I often say that I was born with a female soul, and that’s the best way I can describe it. It feels that I can finally show people my soul, and let myself be free in the world.

Life is scary, and most of us are just doing what we can to get by. Most of us are scared and lost, but feel that we can’t be those things. At least we feel we can’t tell anyone those things. We create techniques for dealing with these feelings; some people find the strength in themselves, some have children and find strength through that, some find a spiritual path, some turn to hatred and ignorance – all amounts to the same reason, that we’re small, scared and vulnerable.

I made a promise to myself to experience life, and not to waste it anymore.  This is what I will do.

A Spiritual Path November 16, 2009

I’ve always been a very spiritual person, feeling in-sync with the natural world around me and aware of what effect my actions have on others. Always trying to live an honorable life, and trying to help as much as I can. Balanced with this is the need to make sense of things in the world and make sense of the person I am.

Although I am a spiritual person, I’ve never had much time for organised religion, and to be frank; Christianity doesn’t work for me – although it’s really not surprising that a male-dominated, monotheistic religion where some people are considered wrong for being who they are wouldn’t suit me.  I do have a lot of respect for people of other faiths, and I definitely mean no disrespect. I do feel that we’re all able to have the faith we choose to have, and the ability to live our lives in ethical freedom. Although I’ve been spiritually aware for most of my life, I’ve never really had any direction. I’ve always loved the idea of the Pagan theology, but never really had the push to find out more.

Recently I’ve become more interested in finding my spiritual path, whatever that may be. I have friends who are Pagans, esoteric, Wiccans and other non-specific Pagans. So, I’ve been asking them for advice, and have started to read up about the various theologies. Although I don’t feel I need to jump in fully, I do want to find out more and see where I might fit in. It’s true that I need some spiritual guidance and protection, and the more I read about Paganism and Wicca, the more I feel that it’s good for me. They’re gentle, nature-based religions, and the tenets are that of doing good and being a good person, looking after living creatures, the earth and yourself. I also have to admit that the narratives used, the rituals and spells and the paraphernalia intrigue me too, but that’s just a small part of it.

The main thing I’ve found so far is the type of people that practice these theologies are varied, people are largely accepted in all of their forms, be they queer, trans, unsure, straight, married, polyamarous etc etc and are respected for the person they are. It’s no real surprise that trans-people are attracted to the Pagan theology as it has a place for them too. While some religions may be about power and control, Paganism seems to be about tolerance, care and balance. Probably one of the reasons, certainly for me, that some types of people are attracted to Paganism is because they’ve had to think a lot about where they fit in. They’ve had to think about things outside the norm and deal with a society that often shuns them. Sounds very melodramatic, but essentially, if you’re trans, then at some point in your life you’ve probably come to terms with that fact. You’ve also possibly realised that there is more than the male/female ‘opposites’. Ok, so male/female are maybe poles, but there is a lot of different shades in the middle and outside of these poles.

So, like everything I do nowadays, I’m not promising anything other than to learn and respect. I don’t know how far I’ll go with this, but I’m sure it’ll be as far as I want and need to go. Even in the short space of time I’ve been reading about these ideas, I do have a feeling of spiritual calm, and I do know that the feeling of being connected to something ancient and natural is a very comforting thing – especially today.

If you’re interested in the ideas of Paganism, sexuality, gender, sex etc, a great place to start (from a recommendation to me) is Raven Kaldera’s website.

The spirit November 12, 2009

One interesting thing about being trans is that you can become really very adept at reading people. Most people have really quite phenomenal skills (when you think about it) at reading faces, but even so, most things are missed. We’re good at reading faces because it’s a survival instinct. I’ve had this skill since I can remember, but all of my experiences add to these skills. Trans and ‘two-spirit’ people have often fulfilled spiritual roles in societies, and it’s not hard to see why. Being trans does give you the types of experiences that aren’t experienced by most people. Our society is still relatively aggressive toward trans people, so you start to learn how to read threats, but it’s also about reading people’s feelings toward you.

I’ve often joked that if one of my girlfriends wants to know what their boyfriend is really like, then just introduce him me. Guys that treat me with respect – regardless of their opinion of me – are the guys to stick with. Guys that are rude to trans-women, for example, steer *well* clear of them! I often get flashes of surprise, although often it’s other things; confusion, pleasant surprise, disgust and many other things. How a man treats me is often a direct representation of his thoughts about women in general. I’ve met some men that are very aggressive toward me and think me ‘disgusting’, although it’s more about them treating women as sexual objects, rather than people. So, they look at me and think “urgh, I’d not f*ck that”. But again, that’s about them, not about me. Most people are really cool with things, although they seem quite incapable of not letting their guard down for at least a split-second. In that very short time their true intentions or thoughts are evident. It’s only been relatively recently that I’ve noticed I see these things that others miss. But then, I do have a bit of a natural aptitude and also lots of experience every day. Each time I walk down the street I’m looking at people’s body language, probably just because I’m aware that people do react to me in a different way to others.

All of this would almost seem to suggest that I have 6 heads, am bright green and light up at night – but I’m not that remarkable really. Because I’m not that remarkable, people don’t get a huge surprise, but it does take a split second for things to sink in. It’s in that moment that people leak their true feelings. Often it’s laughter, but that’s only because those people have no experiences of someone like me, and this information is being processed somehow. The laughter comes from an unfamiliar situation, much like a joke that sets up a situation and the punchline is the unexpected opposite. Just like at school when children giggle during sex education lessons. It’s not because any of the material is funny, just because it’s unfamiliar and people are embarrassed – mostly because they don’t know it. It makes us laugh because we’re not expecting it – it’s the same with lots of laughs at me. Still, makes it hard to take sometimes – nobody likes being laughed at – but it goes some way to being able to deal with it.

I mentioned before the spiritual roles of trans people in many cultures, and I’ve always felt a spiritual connection to something. Maybe as a way of understanding the world, I’m exploring more my spiritual feelings and it’s a good thing. After all, you’ve got to work with what you have, right?

It might sound negative, but it is positive… November 12, 2009

One of the problems with being trans is that you can become paranoid. But that’s really just in response to lots of situations that really do happen. They’re the most annoying kind of things, and things that if you told someone about; they’d just think ‘oh, that’s not so much of an issue – don’t worry about it’. Today I have sparkly earrings on, an obviously feminine hairstyle and coat, skinny jeans and knee boots. I’m carrying my handbag over my shoulder. While I may not look like Kate Moss, it’s obvious what I am. So, when people call you sir, it’s really quite unpleasant. Normally when this happens, I shrug it off, but today was one of those typical examples where it goes further than someone just making a mistake. I was in the coffeeshop queue behind two guys, both were served politely by the lady, and their orders were taken. No honorifics, no titles. I was served and she said “thank you sir”. The person behind me was a tall gentleman in a nice suit, deep voice and very masculine-looking. To him she said “thank you”. No mentions of ’sir’ at all. Now call me paranoid if you wish, but let’s think about this for a second. People may just fall into patterns of behaviour and call people sir or madam when they’re working. But why select the least male person in the queue to call sir?

To be honest, it’s not that big a deal in the grand scheme of things, but it makes my heart hurt every time I hear it. Each time someone deliberately or unintentionally mis-genders me, it physically hurts me. The only equivalent I could think of would be for people in a queue to be referred to as “thank you, ugly”, “thank you, fatty” or “thank you, skinny”. Anybody would find that really upsetting, and I’m just like that. I don’t mean that people are saying it intentionally. Just that it does hurt as it reminds me of all that I am and all that I’m not.

Anyway, I wanted to make a point about this blog. It seems that lots of the posts here are down or depressing, and for that I’m sorry. The point of this blog though isn’t to show what a fabulous process all of this is, it’s just to tell my story. Unfortunately pretty much every day I have to deal with some issues – generally dealing with people. I often have to deal with the worst in people, and have to deal with horrible things being said to me in the street, and this blog is my way of letting things go. There are a lot of people that don’t feel the same level of care that other people are afforded, and think they can treat me poorly just because I’m a ‘freak’, a ‘pervert’ or a ‘weirdo’. This isn’t restricted to people like me though. There are a huge amount of many different people that don’t get the same treatment that people generally would be given. I feel guilty when I talk to friends about things that have happened to me. I feel it turns me into a whinger and a victim, and I hate bringing this crap into the worlds of lovely people; which my friends are. What I’d like to say to them, if any are reading this, is that sometimes I just need to rant. I’m a talker and need to let things go in this way. I don’t need them to fix anything…just to know they care about me is enough.

This makes me think of something that I am guilty of: needing sympathy. I was thinking about this the other day and wondering why I need people to have sympathy for me. Do I like this sympathy? Does it make me feel good? Well, yes it does, very much – but I’m a happy person and really would rather not have to feel I need some sympathy. I guess I just want to feel I fit into society and feeling that people care about me makes me feel like I fit in somewhere.

On a happier note though (although none of this is ‘unhappy’, just thoughts) I do remember spending most of my young life *wishing* so hard that someone would ‘understand’ me. To be able to meet me and ’see the real me’. It’s weird that I’ve always thought this way, although when I was young, never really understood why. This used to bother me so much, and people thought it was maybe ‘teenage angst’ or a young person’s identity being developed. My mum said something along the lines of ‘well, nobody knows anyone really’. I understood what she was saying, but she didn’t really have the full information. I’ve realised that in the last few years I’ve not felt this way. I never think now ‘I wish someone could see the *real* me’. Not necessarily because they can or always do, but because I’m doing everything I can to help them to. The difference is that I’m emancipated – I’m able to tell people; “no, that’s not me, this is me”. That’s an amazing thing to happen!

So, letting these things go in the form of a blog is extremely cathartic. I’m also sorry that when I’m down, it affects people. I do all I can to not let it affect people, but I really can’t deal with all of this stuff myself. I do know that I’m on the right track, however. The important thing that I’ve understood lately is that my current life is amazingly better than my past life. It’s also important to say that, in lots of ways, it’s immeasurably harder to deal with than average. This is the reason I need to let off steam, rant, cry, talk to friends, become insolent, whichever. I just need to constantly let things go – and that’s a positive thing. So, if I’m moody or angry or crying or upset or any of the above; I don’t need anyone to fix it, I just need to feel that way for a while. Then, when the sun rises, I feel clear and fresh again.

Bullying November 10, 2009

I’m a positive person, but things often are hard to deal with. One of these is the realisation that I’m being bullied at work. It’s something that’s been getting worse and worse lately – and it’s really coming to a head. It’s not the kind of bullying that anyone notices apart from me. It’s stares, laughs, sniggers, whispered comments and it’s so much worse than being insulted in the street. These people work in my company, and I have to pass them every day.

The other weekend I went to the candlelight vigil held because of exactly this reason. This kind of behaviour, if left to fester, ends up getting worse and worse. The people doing this are a small number, but it’s an absolutely horrendous thing to have done to you. I feel scared and horrible and very angry that these people are doing this to me. I reported it yesterday to my manager, but it’s absolutely evident that it’s going on today too. My manager treated it seriously, but it’s actually more serious today. I’m actually feeling really worried about being in my own workplace, and it’s not fair.

She’s out at the moment, but I’ll be talking to her as soon as she’s back. There’s no way I will stand for being treated like this!

80-10-10 November 9, 2009

While watching some Eddie Izzard DVDs yesterday with friends, we watched a part when he mentioned something that I thought was really quite good, and a rule that can probably be applied to most things. It was that 80% of people don’t mind what you are or what you do, they’re either too busy or they feel it’s none of their business. 10% of people are really happy, understanding and fantastic with things. The final 10% are the people that have a problem with something, or make it their duty to say there’s something work with; your gender, sexuality, type of music you listen to, etc etc etc.

So the vast majority of people are fine with things, it’s just that small 10% of small-minded, ignorant people that, quite frankly, should be ignored. Often it’s these people that shout loudest though.

I do know lots of the good 10% people, and to be frank; they totally rock! They know who they are, and I hope they know how wonderful they are too!

Politeness November 9, 2009

Obviously it’s a good thing that people seem to want to ‘not say the wrong thing’ to you, but it’s a simple enough concept really. In my last blog post I talked about someone that was asking about me, rather than actually asking me.

All of this made me think of something I was going to write about, which I felt quite important. That it’s ok to ask if someone is ‘he’ or ’she’. Sounds a strange thing to say it’s ok to ask, but in fact if you’re not sure; just assuming one thing or another /is/ actually rude. It’s ok to ask that person, and they’ll be able to tell you. Ok, so some people may be slightly offended if they’re very masculine or feminine – but like everything in life, you’ve got to read the, often frankly obvious, clues.

I’m cursed with a perspicacity which I’ve always had. I say cursed, but actually I’d feel like I’d lost a sense if it went. But I often feel angry that I’ve been given this attribute, then given a situation that means I can pretty much tell what people are thinking. I’m an exceptional judge of character, and have been proved right on so many occasions. People that others didn’t like, and I did, who turn out to be really shy and uncomfortable but so lovely. Also people that others are amazed by who I can tell immediately are really rather vacuous.

Anyway, sounds like I’m being nasty about people, but I’m really not. All I mean to say is that if you’re asking someone else how you should act, then why not just not worry about it and fall back to the politeness that was probably taught as an infant. Staring at someone, then glancing away when they catch your eye. Responding to something a person has said by talking to someone else. Not knowing how to deal with someone. Whispering etc etc. All of these things are covered in basic manners – something we all understand.

On the tube yesterday, when heading home, a guy was staring at me from the other escalator and started shouting “I can’t tell if that’s a man or a lady”, then “that’s a man dressed up as a lady”… Now this man was saying these things to make me embarrassed, which I’m not and wasn’t. I turned round to my friend and said “well, at least he said ‘lady’ – otherwise that would have just been rude”, with a smile. The point being, is that I can deal with these kind of things. This man decided it was his responsibility to attempt to embarrass me in public, but only served to make himself look like an idiot.

That last paragraph was only added here for a bit of completeness, and some other understanding about how people react to me, and people like me. People don’t have to understand me, or know what it’s like to be me, or be really happy I’m in the world, or even know my name. What people do have to do – in a civilized society -  is be polite to each other. One of the best way to be polite, is to just ask someone who they are and then treat them as such…

Learning November 8, 2009

I learned (again) this weekend that you really can’t do anything about other people’s opinions and behaviour, and really shouldn’t be bothered by them. There are some lovely people in the world, but unfortunately the majority – while not being nasty – are just relatively ignorant.

Being ignored in a social situation is a horrible thing to feel, as it’s not overt. If someone was to say something nasty to you, then you could actually say something back. Someone ignoring you and talking to the person next to you is subtle and if the person next to you doesn’t notice, it’s really profoundly upsetting and annoying. Furthermore, I was really quite annoyed to hear someone asking a friend of mine about me, and saying that he didn’t want to ’say the wrong thing’ and upset me, but then continually saying the wrong thing to me. He was just trying to impress my friend, rather than caring about how I felt.

One of the hardest things to deal with are these kind of covert transactions (in the transactional analysis sense) that people can say one thing and mean another; through covert or crossed sociological transactions. Often someone will say something to you, but it’s meant for someone else to hear, rather than for you. Generally, in my case, this is meant to say ‘look how open-minded I am’ etc. The unfortunate thing is that I understand why they’re saying these things, often more than the person that is saying them. I can read the small micro-expressions that people leak when they look at me (ok, so I got that term from Lie To Me, but it’s still what I do) and that tells me more about what people think about me than actually what they say.

Anyway, after being a little bit upset and feeling very lonely in this crowd of cisgendered and largely straight people, I worked through it and came out smiling. Not in any small part helped by a wonderful, caring and intelligent friend – the best a girl could ask for. I always feel guilty when I get upset, but I can’t stop people treating me poorly – and that’s an important lesson to learn and remember. I have my dignity and grace, and all of these experiences make me stronger and ultimately happier.

Guardian Article November 2, 2009

During the vigil on Friday night, I was interviewed for the Guardian newspaper (I am the ‘young transsexual woman to my right’). Today Patrick Strudwick published the article ‘Standing strong against hate‘ on guardian.co.uk.

I ask a young transsexual woman to my right why she’s here. “I get abuse every single day,” she says. “From name-calling to threats of murder. It’s so important for everyone to know they’re not alone. This is fantastic.

Vigil November 1, 2009

Friday was a tough day, for some reason. But things have a way of happening at the right time too. Just when I was starting to feel pretty bad about things, something happened that helped pull me out of the dark I was feeling. That thing was the candlelight vigil at Trafalgar Square against hate-crimes. Although slightly more focused on homophobic subjects, the speakers also talked about transphobic abuse, which was really powerful and moving. The large choir sang songs, including Something Inside So Strong… It made me cry.

No matter what abuse people receive, how many times people may laugh or point, how many jokes or harmful comments, or how many attacks on people happen; the dignity and grace from just living your life as yourself, can never be taken away.